How To Minimize or Completely Avoid Contact With People
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How To Minimize or Completely Avoid Contact With People

Bad hair day? Suffering from permanent social anxiety? Whatever the reason here are some facts and tips to help you avoid contact with other human beings

Not feeling up to meeting others at the moment due to a bad hair day? Suffering from permanent social anxiety? Whatever the reason and regardless of whether it's a temporary or permanent desire, here are some facts and tips to help you avoid contact with other human beings:

  • The least entered area of most houses is the attic
  • One of the most repulsive substances to humans is dog feces
  • Eating garlic can cause bad breath which most people find offensive
  • 24 hour Wal-Marts report the least shopped hours are between 3 and 4 a.m.
  • Dark clothing makes one more inconspicuous than bright colors
  • Avoiding eye contact with others greatly diminishes potential conversations
  • Walking quickly with a sense of purpose reduces attempts to engage you in small talk
  • Using automated postal kiosks and self service checkouts eliminates clerk contact
  • Drive-thru windows permit minimal contact when purchasing prepared foods
  • Libraries discourage conversation between patrons
  • Reading a book or newspaper at restaurants is a clear "leave me alone" signal
  • Carring a handgun where it's visible can be a conversation deterrent
  • Keeping car windows up prevents the possibilty of a passerby asking random questions while stopped at red lights
  • If companionship from a pet is desired, do not choose a dog as they are friendly, hard to control and can be a conversation starter
  • Snakes make wonderful pets for the non-social as most people find them abhorrent
  • Softly speaking every expletive you know in run-on fashion as a reply to small talk tends to eliminate follow up
  • If you must date, do so only online and stop each encounter prior to actually meeting the object of your affection in person
  • If meeting a date is unavoidable, eliminate bathing, combing your hair, or brushing your teeth for several weeks prior to ensure the meeting will be of the shortest possible duration
  • Do not join groups such as the Kayakers Club or engage in organized activities like co-ed volleyball or flag football; instead, play only online games with others through the Internet

The verdict is clear. To avoid contact with others strap on your .45, grab your boa constrictor, eat some raw garlic then leave your attic only at 3 a.m. wearing dark clothing and sunglasses. Don't forget to smear yourself with dog feces then hit the 24 hour drive-thru on your way to Wal-Mart (be sure to roll those car windows back up). Return to your attic by 4 a.m.

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Comments (4)

Good article, great ideas! I was just thinking this when I was at the all-night library with my snake, wearing my sunglasses and black jogging suit and eating garlic and onion potato chips.

You scared me with this post! :-)

Have we met? Where do you know me from? I should remember meeting since i usually only see the Walmart cashier throughout the week, 3:00am, after after finishing a double-stack i ordered from.... Oh, by the way anyone want a dog... a used dog? ;-)

I've done almost all of those on the list and i still get stalkers, maybe i should try harder to start doing all of the above.